DEAR, CONFLICTED ONE
It's ok, its all part of it. The beauty, the ugly, the mess, the order, the understanding, the confusion. It’s one and the same. You don’t need to own it, you need to surrender it. You don’t need to figure it out, you need to let it go.
It is not always about reason, it is not always about sense. There is beauty all the same. Let it flow through you. All the frustration, all the curiosity, all the sadness or bitterness, all the things. Let it flow through. Let it wash you— the experience, the process of it all— that’s a victory in-and-of itself. It’s rich and raw and real.
That image of how you think it's supposed to be, that thought of what would be better— it’s a lie, it’s a perception, and it’s false. You are here now and that is all you have, that’s all you’ll ever have—so, live here. Let the truth wash over you—the truth of what you see and how you feel and what you think. But don’t stop there.
Don’t drown in your own storm. There is energy running all through you and sometimes the fear causes you to direct that energy in places without intention. See it, see the God-Given energy, the life-force & the purpose it eludes.
You weren’t made for yourself.
There is joy, there is revelation, there is love, there is beauty in the whole. When you can’t see past yourself look at the whole. Get lost in the infinite. you’ll find that many of the things you try to escape have been created by you. Find peace in letting that cycle GO. It doesn’t serve a purpose and it detracts from the real one. You’ll see. but trust that, in time, you will.
Conflicted.
A feeling I am all too aware of. I crave grounding but feel the urge to take flight. I thrive within structure but find creativity arise as I break through containment. I seek wisdom and rooting but delight in the whimsical. I look for order but discover beauty in disarray. I long equally for logic and nonsense.
I am uncomfortable when I am conflicted. I squirm. There is something unsettling about being pulled in two directions.
When I find I cannot quiet the opposition or make sense of the seemingly exclusive, I redefine the terms of the negotiation. Who says I cant leap rooted. the laws of gravity? That doesn’t exist here, where conflict resides, in the mind. Who says I cant create within restraint? The canvas? The world is my canvas. Who says I can’t marry whim and wisdom? Culture? That can be reconstructed almost as easily as it was built. When I discover the mess is part of the order just as the nonsense is part of the logic I get a glimpse of the whole and start to operate with the macro in mind.
Conflict is often a product of compartmentalization. What if we approached our thoughts, relationships, and life with a concept of oneness? What you’ll find in place of conflict is: connection. Connection may be the most powerful tool we have, not only to make sense of the situation, but to redirect our gaze to the grander narrative at work. If we look at the elemental nature of our world we can see that it is fluid. The law of cause and effect is one example. Every action results in a reaction or, rather, every movement results in subsequent movement. If we follow this chain reaction we will discover that there is a relationship amongst elements and events in our own life. The fluid nature of life allows for relationship to appear. As soon as we are able to relate instead of separate we can begin to work with the flow instead of against it.
When I feel this familiar sensation arise somewhere between by brain and my heart I take a moment to realize my heart is only understood through my brain and my brain is only contextualized through my heart. I’ll inhale the reality of that relationship and copy paste this realization to the conflict at hand. Watch as the tension dissolves. Witness the fight melt into the fluidity. Through this simple act you become a witness to the macrocosm at work. Like magic, the energy used pulling at both ends of the rope is freed to pursue purpose instead of polarity.
XO
Rachel
